Rambling about Medieval Misconceptions in Fantasy like a School Boy

When the hero carries a loaded crossbow on his back, you know you’re in for a fantasy adventure! With oversized pauldrons over a naked display of muscular abs, the hero strides into battle, holding his shield behind his back. He climbs onto the back of a cyclops with ease and from this great height the birds listen to him whisper into the cyclops’s ear: “Buy my book on Amazon, bitch.”

The cyclops laughs at those ghastly words and snatches the hero from its back as if he were a ball of lint. Dangling the hero before its massive eyeball, the cyclops says, “Uga-buga! Uga-buga!”

Not wanting to waste any more time with this giant baboon, the hero whistles and an army of knights come out of nowhere to slay the cyclops with ease because, you know, they’re fantasy knights and the cyclops went easy on them.

Back home at the City of Fantasy Land where no farms nor a network of commerce is needed and no one takes the time to eat or use the garderobe (spoiler: the city’s really in the future and so it all makes sense), the hero waltzes up to the king, somehow making it past a whole gatehouse without narrative, and nods his head a few times and–hooray!–receives a new fanciful quest!

With giant flowers that can devour whole children at once riddled along the roadside, our hero rides with his new retinue of fools and idiots who talk too much to complete the quest that professionals and not some poorly-trained farm boy should’ve done years ago! Huzzah!

They enter the Forest of Doom and somehow make it out two years later without eating anything or taking a shit, and run into a massive problem that takes two chapters to explain when the problem was simple all along! Hurrah!

Meanwhile in some place briefly described at an awkward time in the story, an army of goblins won’t stop forging new swords to save their own mothers. They’re bent on evil and destruction and they build big useless towers beside volcanoes. While the hero is away from the City of Fantasy Land, the goblins storm the walls and for some reason all the soldiers defending die as soon as something touches them.

Somehow in the same day, perhaps thanks to some man who knew exactly where the hero was and ran there miraculously fast, the hero hears the news of his city’s destruction and, stopping to visit a wise friend on the way, returns and slays every single goblin by himself within the course of one chapter, and then stays up for two days healing people with his new magic.

The End

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