This is a guest post by Hubert von Poppingham from London, England.
Greetings, dear heavenly reader. In case you already don’t know, I am Sir Hubert von Poppingham, explorer of caves and collector of antiquities, schooled by nature herself in the delicacies of her natural ways, in romance and harness racing, making love and pouring fine beer properly to the pleasure of fine women. But forget about me! All you must know of me is that I am extremely handsome, smell like roses and have great posture! It is the hero of our story, Manuell Sandiego, who must be remembered! Unlike me, your daydreaming author, obsessed and lost in thought all the time, like a poet and scholar looking off into the sunset, Manuell Sandiego, who prefers the sunrise, is the true valliant helper of the less-fortunate, the saviour of peace, tool of God, statue of glory and is constantly focused on, or forever at one with, his quest of upholding the values of chivalry in this post-modern age!
Manuell Sandiego is a saint and a marvel to behold, and you will not be able to disagree with me as you take a trip with me now into an untidy flat in London where I, after slapping cologne on my buttocks quite excessively, look out my bathroom window to behold this here our gallant hero Manuell Sandiego in the bustling street below!
Notice how his medium-length, dark brown curls jingle in the breezy sunlight about his head as he turns a corner and struts into full view, narrowly avoiding a puddle on the sidewalk with his swift leather shoes. He is Manuell Sandiego, the sexiest man alive, and you will soon learn why he is our hero! He is my masterpiece, my creation who took a lifetime to manifest. He is the perfect man, the very man who every king in the history of mankind would deem wise and righteous, but never too righteous for his own good. He is the man who would save any woman, even a transgender, even a hag, from harm or distress on a whim with the speed of a warhorse, as if to impress some invisible force watching over him. That force is me, his creator, the desperate man who, during twenty years of drug abuse and depression, went bankrupt in this very London flat to produce this very masterpiece that you, yes you, are reading right now as a guest post on some random, shitty “author’s” blog (I’m assuming the git won’t even read this far to edit this out).
And now, after much cold pizza, hangovers, HBO’s The Wire binges and private jungle fishing, I, your vigilant creator of perfection, once again direct your attention outside my bathroom window where the abovementioned hero of all women and children, our true chivalrous gentleman and guardian of honor, is walking, and fart aloud because I believe it’s unhealthy to hold stuff in when it’s so clearly trying to get out! Yes, indeed, you, my understanding reader and friend, are right to suggest that this here fart now drifting out my window toward our valiant hero is the perfect symbol of the hero himself! Both my fart and he, in absolute equal measure, were creations that, by destiny, fate and the will of the universe, have been bestowed unto our world with graceful ease, all because their genius creator wasn’t a dick and let them flourish.
Strain your eyes if you have to, and look thither where our knight of knights, our musketeer of musketeers, our walking tome of tradition, does, with a flick of his pinky finger, which bares a fine red ruby, open a heavy glass door for a mother pushing a stroller into a liquor store! Wowza, my friend, do not watch and stare so deeply like I am for even mine own heart is not large enough to contain the amount of passion for kindness and humanity I feel when I stare upon such a sight. Don’t you see how this here man of my creation deserves to be praised and worshipped for eternity in the realms of thought? Unfortunately the idiot who made this blog said my guest posts can only be around 700 words, but I can post here once every month or two, and there’s still so much more to tell, so much to study, to cherish, to explore and cry over when it comes to our magnificent hero, Manuell Sandiego (God bless his soul), so stay tuned!